16% of Canadian Immigrants Rate Satisfaction with Personal Relationships at 5/10 or below – Immigration and Couple/Relationship Challenges [1]

So you moved to Vancouver or elsewhere in BC with your partner or moved to be with them if they were already here or from this part of Canada. Perhaps you had already lived together before you moved, or perhaps you decided to move in together once you got here. 

Everything was fine before you moved, but on arrival or recently thereafter cracks in the foundations began to appear. Or, perhaps you moved here before you had kids and everything was fine but now you have experienced a new baby's arrival and things are feeling hard. You may think one or some of the following things:

-We seem to fighting way more than we used to?

-When I try to connect with my partner they just seem distracted or turn away from me.

-Everything seems to be working fine for them but I am really struggling and they do not seem to care.

-I don’t why they are finding it so hard, we have everything we need here – jobs, friends a nice place to live – why are they so anxious/depressed?

-We cannot seem to agree on anything at the moment.

-The stresses and strains of money, parenting, finding a job, settling into school and new routines is really getting to us and we don’t seem to be able to connect or comfort each other.

-Why do they want to stay here and I want to go home (or vice versa) and why do we keep arguing about it?

-We lived together before we moved and everything was fine, why is it so hard now?

-How can my partner not miss family and friends at home while I miss them so much and feel so guilty about not being there to help out?

-They promised life would be better here, there would be jobs and a good life and it has not worked out that way. I feel really betrayed.

Immigration can be tough on a relationship. The process involves a whole lot of issues such as loss of close networks that you could always rely on when you needed a listening ear at home, isolation, loneliness, smaller number of people you know you can call on in case of emergency or just to help out, language and employment difficulties, and resulting financial stress. If you have kids they have their own adjustment issues happening and you have to steward them through that which can be stressful. Also the rate at which each partner settles in can be different. One partner can arrive and find work and a sense of community quite quickly while for the other it takes more time.

If your relationship is under stress as a newcomer, this situation is not uncommon, but it can be very distressing – terrifying, even. This is because your partner can be your main safe connection in a new place and it feels high risk if this connection feels under threat. And by feel I mean that the worry that your relationship is in trouble actually sets off a whole bunch of physical and emotional reactions that can actually make you feel like you are in danger. Depending on your temperament and your own expectations about how others should/could respond to you when you are feeling disconnected you can feel shaky, anxious, easily upset, or angry. Or, you could feel shut down, sad, apathetic and scared of your partners’ strong feelings.

If one partner reacts in accordance with a more anxious approach and the other partner reacts with a more shut down approach it is super easy to miss each other’s cues for support and soothing. The more that partners experience each other as not being there when they reach out for each other, the more entrenched each of them may become in their responses which also intensifies the feelings of threat and disconnection.

Did you have a lot of friends and family before you moved that you could go to when things were hard in addition to your partner and now you have only each other? Now imagine that you are fighting all the time, yet they are the only person you have to depend on when times are tough and if you lose them you have no-one? That is a scary place to be! The research on immigration and relationship problems shows that the loss of family and friend networks when immigrating is a main challenge (Abu Hannoud et al., 2019).[2]

A common type of couples counselling called Emotionally-focused Couple’s Therapy (Johnson, 2019) likens the way in which partners interact with each other as a “dance.”[3] When times are easier and no-one is under stress the dance flows smoothly. Partners can accommodate for differences in styles and find their way to each other. But when there is a big change or stressor sometimes the dance can go awry and the more it does that the harder things get. No-one is at fault. The dance gets in the way. 

Couple’s therapy can help partners learn to rechoreograph the dance. The idea is that once you get reconnected to each other, then you can start to discuss the other issues that might be there from a different place. Rather than starting from the “I feel so lost, disconnected, angry or scared that you are not being there for me emotionally,” you start from “I know you are there to catch me when I fall and now I feel safe having these conversations even though we may not agree.”

Some ideas for addressing relationship issues as newcomers are:

-If you are the person that shuts down when there is conflict recognise that it can actually make your partner feel more anxious and want to pursue you when you perhaps need some time to retreat and process what you are thinking or feeling. Try saying, “I know it’s hard when we fight and I sometimes seem to walk away and not resolve things. I just need some time to think.” Agree when you will return to the conversation to talk more.

-If you tend to get angry or anxious, see if there are ways you can self soothe in the moment or ask your partner to offer non-verbal reassurance such as a hug.

-Have a signal or keyword that shows that things are getting heated and you are reaching a point where the dance is going to go off the walls and you can take some time out.

-Recognize that in order for constructive conversations you both have to be in a place where you feel safe and calm. Check your heart rates – if they are going more than 90 beats per minute you need to stop talking and start soothing – somehow. This is the point at which our thinking brains have gone offline. No-one can find their way through disagreement when this has happened.

-Practice summarizing/mirroring what you have heard the other person saying in relation to how they are feeling and what their needs are whether you agree or not – even if you have to repeat exactly what the other person said. Feeling understood will help you both feel calm enough to discuss difficult issues.

Having a couple’s dance that flows smoothly can be even more helpful when a partner is experiencing anxiety or depression. Research shows couples therapy can actually improve depression through an increase in relationship satisfaction because it can improve support, intimacy and help in the relationship (Barbato and D’Avanzo, 2020).[4] If your partner is feeling this way, perhaps relationship counselling could help.

At Hawthorn Counselling we offer counselling for immigrants in Vancouver, for both partners or one partner, to reflect on how immigration can put relationships under stress and also find ways to improve your relationship dance to face stresses together. Also, successfully navigating settling in together can help you create a story of strength for your relationship, which can also improve your relationship. Want to see how we can help you tell that story? Contact us for a free consultation at: https://hawthorncounselling.ca/appointment-request

References:

1. Taken from Statistics Canada https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/t1/tbl1/en/cv.action?pid=4510007201

2. Abu Hannoud, D., Clelland, D., & Wu, R. (2022). Arab first-generation immigrants' wishes and attitudes toward marital counseling in Canada. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 34(1-2), 153-177. https://doi.org/10.1080/08952833.2022.2055292

3. Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781351168366

4. Barbato, A., & D'Avanzo, B. (2020). The findings of a cochrane Meta‐Analysis of couple therapy in adult depression: Implications for research and clinical practice. Family Process, 59(2), 361-375. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12540