Majority of couples experience a drop in relationship satisfaction on their journey towards and transition to parenthood

Here at Hawthorn Counselling we provide relationship therapy and couples counselling in Vancouver and across the Lower Mainland both in-person and remote. Parenting, fertility and children feature all the time in relationship counselling. Williams (2020) presented a framework for relationship counselling called the 8 C’s or the most common concerns that folks in relationships present with in therapy. As you would imagine “children” is the 8th “C” alongside ones that you may also recognize if you are in a relationship: communication, conflict resolution, commitment, caring and so on. Sound familiar?

This blog is dedicated to reassuring you that if you are in a relationship and you are struggling to have a child or are struggling now with the addition of children to your family system that both phases can be difficult for relationships. We will present why they can be difficult and some ideas for navigating stormy waters.

The main message is that parents in these phases can experience stress. Stress is defined as, “an imbalance between internal and external demands and the capability of the individual to respond to these demands by applying internal or external resources” (Lazarus and Folkman in Bodenman and Randall, 2020). This blog will be in two parts. This week we look at relationship stress as a result of parenting and, in particular, the early phases of a new child expanding the family system. The next blog will explore infertility and relationship challenges.

So perhaps you navigated a lengthy fertility journey or maybe you did not but you have experienced a greatly hoped for addition to your family and rather than honeymoon bliss you are in relationship crisis? And you don’t understand because everyone in the relationship perhaps wanted this so badly but now you cannot enjoy it? Or perhaps there has been some ongoing ambivalence about expanding the system. Did you know that 80% of new moms have mild depression symptoms shortly after giving birth (Pinquart and Teubert, 2010)? 

Relationship satisfaction can take a dive post the birth of a baby or addition of a child to a family. Remember that definition of stress? Demands outpacing resources to deal with them. Hmm, let’s see – sleepless nights, feedings, learning how to understand the cues and needs of a baby, understanding child development, perhaps less money coming in while one person is on maternity/parental leave, no sex or less sex and less time to have dates. That sounds like a lot of demands to us. Never mind the fact that if there were some communication or conflict resolution challenges before baby came along, they may increase now. You each may also have different views about how to raise a child. Perhaps one or both of you is missing the person you were before baby or missing who you were as a couple. You may experience a resurfacing of family of origin issues as your family expands.

A common issue is what therapists call the “over functioning and under functioning” dynamic where one person feels like parenting is all on them and criticizes or instructs the other partner in their parenting. In response, the criticized parent can withdraw and do even less. Often, the primary caregiver can fall into the over functioning role. This is not meant to sound like a judgement. The stress of being the primary caregiver in early baby days is full on – the cry for help is real. On the other side, the parent who feels criticized may not have learned how to do any of this stuff before or thinks the way to help is to provide economically and so emphasizes this function. All partners can feel abandoned, or lack confidence. We can see the dynamic as a cry for support from each person in the relationship.

Having a child is a transition – you are transitioning into a new family constellation, into different identities and different constraints. Transitions always have a point at which there is a struggle to make sense of it all, a need to let go and where you may feel neutral or ambivalent or negative about the change. What are some ideas for navigating this in your relationship? Here are some tips.

- Boost positive emotion towards your partner/other parent/s – we know this can be hard, but try to find moments to do it and remind yourself to do it – say “I love you,” remind the other person of a time that you remember and enjoyed with them, hug your partner, tell them something that you like about their parenting, tell them what you like about them generally.

- Accept the influence of each other – if your partner asks you to check that the baby is asleep – hop on that with enthusiasm so that your partner knows you have got their back.

- For parents who are in committed relationships, while it can be sooo hard to find the time and energy – have sex – and we do not mean genital and/or penetrative sex necessarily – any type of sexual intimacy will do. It helps to keep the “in love” chemistry going!

- Acknowledge that it is a difficult transition and expect conflict rather than seeing the relationship as bad. Try to view the conflict as the product of the situation that you are united in defeating and are a team against. Call the situation or the dynamic something funny  – perhaps it is “the baby drain” or the “vomit comet” or “the baby bounce” or something – but try to take things out of one individual’s role in something and acknowledge that you are in unknown terrain.

- Try in the midst of arguments to still reach out for the other person or people in a positive way – you can argue and still say something like, “can I make you a cup of tea while we discuss this?”

- Try not to defend or show contempt for the other partner’s views in conflict.

- Explore your different experiences of parenting and reflect what you have heard the other person say about their experience.

- Avoid a conflict escalating – call a time out, take some space, hug each other and say, “let’s stop and figure this out at an agreed time later.”

- Talk about your values in relation to parenting and where they are shared and where they are not. Talk about what is hard and mixed emotions and all the things that come up in this unpredictable time.

- Going back to demand outpacing resources – parenthood can be a steep learning curve. There are lots of great books and courses about parenthood – consider reading a book or doing a course together to build connection and help you create a vision for your parenting (see the resources listed below).

Finding that you cannot meet in the middle in this transitional phase or in a distressing dance with your partner or other family members as you grow into your identity as parents (or if you already have children – parents of additional kids)? Hawthorn Counselling can help: https://hawthorncounselling.ca/appointment-request.

We would also like to acknowledge that there may be all sorts of relationship types in which the mentioned issues play out. Parenting through relationship takes many forms: two or more folks in a committed relationship (opposite gender, same gender, married, unmarried, couples, polyamorous etc); folks who are not in a romantic relationship but are co-parenting (e.g. separated parents, single parents who have made a decision to share parenting with others); extended families, step families and grandparent families and so on. At Hawthorn Counselling we respect all family types and pay attention to both the common and unique issues presented by each family culture and constellation.

Some Parenting Resources that Might be of Interest

Parenting Books:

Brackett, M. A. (2019). Permission to feel: unlocking the power of emotions to help our kids, ourselves, and our society thrive. First edition. New York, Celadon Books.

Faber, A., Mazlish, E., Coe, K. A., & Faber, J. (2012). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk. First Scribner hardcover edition. New York, New York, Scribner Classics.

Hoffman, K. (2017). Raising a secure child: how circle of security parenting can help you nurture your child's attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York, NY, Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, P. H. D. T. P. (2012). Siegel, D. J., & Payne Bryson, T. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Bantam Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2014). Parenting from the inside out: how a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. 10th anniversay edition. New York, Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, a member of Penguin Group (USA).

Parenting Programs

There are lots of parenting programs to help you learn about and adjust to parenting children at different ages. Many can be done virtually from the comfort of your own home. Simply go to the links and search for online modules or if there is an in-person course happening in your local area. All of the programs listed have a solid evidence base informing them and many have been proven through research to have positive outcomes in family and child development.

- Circle of Security – an international attachment-based parenting training program: https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/resources-for-parents/

- BC Council for Families offer a range of online parenting groups and programs: https://www.bccf.ca/program/online-parenting-programs/

- Incredible Years – also an international organization dedicated to strengthening parenting skills and parents involvement in their children’s education: https://www.incredibleyears.com/early-intervention-programs/parents

- Triple P – a global organization that provides a range of programs to give parents strategies to foster healthy relationships with kids and prevent problems: https://www.triplep.net/glo-en/home/

- The S.T.E.P. (Systematic Training in Effective Parenting) method fosters mutual respect, encouragement and positive discipline and the workshops provide parents with practical tools to help raise capable children and teenagers: https://www.adlercentre.ca/education/parenting